You aren't here yet, well, you are, but you aren't.... and you are already such a joy for your daddy and I. We are preparing for your arrival each day! Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I go into your room, sit in your rocker, and talk with you. I know you can hear me because you start kicking almost instinctively. It always brings a smile to my face.
Lately, I have been having some anxiety about being a mom and all the changes that are getting ready to take place. Please don't read this and take it the wrong way. I am so excited, but the reality of it all is starting to really sink in. From this moment forward, I am no longer just responsible for myself. My actions will not only affect me, but will have an impact on you as well. We will be together, God willing, until I take my last breath. That is a lot to take in.
What's more frightening to me is not being a good mom. What if I do something or don't do something that irreversibly screws you up!?! How am I going to protect you every day and keep you 100% safe? I'm going to be honest with you. Babies always cry when I hold them. I have no clue how to change a baby's diaper or give a bath. I panic when I hear a baby cry. New babies scare me because they are just so helpless.... I know, as a parent, I am going to make mistakes. I just hope you will understand that it is a learning experience for your daddy and I. We are doing our best.
You may not always like the decisions we make, just know everything we do, we do because we love you. Your daddy and I want you to grow up to be a good man with good values. You may dislike us at times, but know we ALWAYS love you. Again, you aren't even here yet, and we love you more than anything. You will grow up being told every day how much we love you, getting hugs, and kisses. It is important that you know that and that you learn to love others as well. A parents love for their child begins even before they are born, and it is never ending, unbreakable.
I have been thinking lately, and want you to know that the world is not always as scary. If you are smart, the world can be a wonderful and beautiful place. There is so much to enjoy and experience. I hope you take advantage of every day you have to learn, grow, and build relationships. Do not waste a single second of your precious life. It goes by so fast. I am 25 and your daddy is 27, time seems to fly. I remember my childhood as being full of fun and excitement, magic and love. I hope you remember your childhood the same way. It seems like just yesterday I was playing Barbies with my sister in our living room and jumping out of our tree fort (the hide out) pretending we could fly. Anyway, never take a single moment for granted. Always look for the good in other people. Put yourself in their shoes. Never pass judgment without first looking at your own imperfections.
These are just a few things I have been thinking about over the past few days. I know it is random, but what can I say... I pray that you have nothing but happiness and joy in your life. Even though I know this is impossible, I hope you realize that you control your own destiny, your happiness.
I love you very much Hudson! Your daddy loves you too!
ps. You are kicking and moving right now!
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