Nursing

~*~*~WARNING~*~*~*~  WORD VOMIT AHEAD  

I am surprised at myself that I wanted to write about this.  I am usually a very private person, especially about this kind of thing.  However, I wanted to share where I am at and how I am feeling about this topic.

When Hudson was first born, nursing was difficult.  It didn't come easy at all.  It was time consuming, frustrating, and because I am a type A personality all the way MADDENING at times.  So, I primarily pumped.  Looking back, all I can do is laugh at myself.  Pumping is so much more work (pumping, sterilizing, cleaning, then feeding...).  I gave Hudson a bottle filled with my milk until he was about 5 months.  I was nuts!  Then decided to try the nursing thing again.  After a week or so, it was going smoothly, only I was still pumping.  Now, I am strictly nursing and boy is life much much MUCH easier.  There was a time (about 4-5 months in) that I was ready to stop all together and start giving Hudson formula.  Sure, I loved our time together feeding, but I was giving him a bottle all the time anyway.  Plus I was feeling a little overwhelmed that I was the only one caring for this tiny human.  The only thing that kept me going was the constant nagging voice in the back of my head telling me that if I could, I should continue giving him my milk because it was the best thing for him.

After the nursing got easier and became a regular thing, I began really enjoying that time with Hudson.  Feeding him was something only I could do. I began looking at it as a privilege rather than a chore or stress.   He and I had/have a special connection.  I don't know how to describe it.... You grow a tiny person and are connected in every way.  Then they are born and the umbilical cord is cut and the connection is severed.  Nursing is a way of keeping the connection.  Maybe it is knowing that another person is completely dependent on you... I don't know.

At almost a year old, I feel that it is about time to stop nursing and switch to formula and whole milk.  Never in a million years did I think this would bother me, but every time I think about it I cry.  This is just another way the world is telling me that you (Hudson) are becoming independent (which is really what I want for you), it is just sad.  I feel like you are being ripped away from me.  I know that isn't really the case, and you need to grow up, but I am just having a really really REALLY hard time with this.  I feel all of the pressure from society to stop at or before Hudson reaches a year old.  No, I don't want to still be nursing when he can talk or walk, or whatever.  But this time has just gone so fast.  I feel upset and not ready especially when I feel like I am being pushed to "hurry it up already".

Maybe I'm selfish and I want Hudson and I to always have that special snuggle time and want to keep those moments all to myself.  I can't help it.  I'm selfish in many other aspects as well.  I hate leaving him with other people because I don't want to miss any of his firsts!  I stay home with him every day just so I get to witness all of his accomplishments and it hurts me to my core to think that I will miss something (does that mean I'm crazy?).  I have a certain way I like to care for him, and no one else can do it right haha.  I have been a serious tiger mom/mamma bear.  NOT EVEN KIDDING.  I grew him, I literally hurt when he is hurt or upset.  When he cries, it feels like my my stomach is being ripped out through my throat (seriously).  I like to be the one who comforts him. I like that I know just want to do to make everything ok.   I know someday I will have to let him go.  Let him live his own life.  Get married.  Have a family of his own.  I will no longer be the greatest influence in his life and I will no longer be the most important person.  I will simply be a bystander who supports him and his decisions and loves him from a distance.

I am sad about this phase to end because it is the beginning of a new phase that doesn't include me.  It is a phase where Hudson starts doing more and more on his own.  My baby is growing up.

Maybe I' over reacting about moving on from nursing.  Am I the only one who is emotional about this?  Surely there are other moms out there who have struggled with this same issue and letting go.  I don't know if my feelings came across accurately or not in this post.  My point is, I'm sad that this phase in Hudson's life is about done and I will miss the bonding time we share.

I'm glad I have this written down. 

PS. Hudson and I have a lot of fun together doing other things (playing...).  I love my boy at any age.  We will always have a special connection and I'm just being a little sappy and emotional about this one issue.  :)

~*~*~*~*~ December 25, 2012  CHRISTMAS DAY~*~*~*~*
Hudson nursed for the last time on Christmas Morning.  It was an easy smooth and natural transition.  Hudson was ready and so was I.  There were no tears from either party involved.  :)  The day after Christmas, instead of nursing him I gave him a sippy cup of whole milk and he was content.  We were both ready and it was time.  I don't think this transition could have gone any better.  He has been drinking whole milk ever sense.