The truth about baby blues and some pictures of my love

Before having Hudson, I could never imagine being anything but ecstatic after having a baby.  It blew my mind to hear that some women became depressed.  How could a new mom feel anything but pure joy once her baby was finally in her arms?  After having Hudson, I understood.  Recovering physically was easy after having a baby.  At least for me it was.  It was the emotional recovery that was difficult.  Now, at 6 weeks post delivery I feel much better and am comfortable sharing the truth about the first few weeks of parenthood from a new mommy's point of view.  No matter how thankful and excited you are about having a baby, the lack of sleep, crazy hormones, and physical distress can cause any woman to feel a bit "blue". 

Gearing up for delivery was exciting. Except for the restless nights, it wasn't so bad.  Once we were at the hospital getting ready for our little angel there was no possible way I could relax and sleep.  I was to thrilled at the thought of FINALLY getting to see and hold Hudson!  When Hudson made his grand entrance into the world, how could I possibly sleep!  All I wanted to do was watch him sleep, hold him, and kiss all over him.  Steve, on the other had no problem sleeping while I was in labor and at night once Hudson was born.  It was all good while we were at the Hospital and had more than enough help and support.  Once we got home, it was a different story.

Our first night at home was crazy!  Hudson had been circumcised earlier that day and was in pain making him extra fussy.  He cried and cried for hours.  Steve had taken a week off from work so he could help take care of me and Hudson.  However, it quickly became clear he was completely unprepared for the major life changes that were happening, and to be honest, so was I.  To make a long story short, the stresses of becoming a new mommy, pain from delivery, and resentment toward my inexperienced husband made for some crazy mood swings, tears, and yes even slight depression.  At night, when Hudson would finally sleep for an hour or so, if I was able to sleep, I would be plagued by nightmares of inadequacy.  I had dreams that I lost Hudson, or that I fell asleep while feeding him causing him to roll off the bed and hit the floor....  ya know, things of that nature.  I would wake up in the middle of the night with my heart racing and cold sweats every night for weeks.  That was if I could get to sleep at all.  Who knew babies made so many noises at night??  Even when I was awake, I worried about everything!  Was he getting enough to eat?  Was he happy?  Why was he making so many noises?  What was causing him to cry?  Why was he spitting up so much?  How do you take care of an infant?  Was he healing from his surgery?  Was I meeting all of his needs?

I became almost bitter, because while my life had been completely turned upside down  by this little miracle, Steve was able to go about his normal routine.  He slept all night.  He didn't have the responsibilities that I had taken on (or so I thought).  I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and was angry that Steve still had time for himself to shower, exercise, play video games, sleep, and see friends. I was lucky to have time to eat something other than a granola bar... Not fair at all!

During the day, when it was just Hudson and I, there were good days and bad.  Some days Hudson would be content, but for the most part, many of the days were filled with a tired screaming baby in pain from reflux and a mother who would try anything and everything to make him feel better.  That would inevitably lead to both mom and baby crying hysterically by the time Steve got home from work. It hurt me physically when Hudson would cry.  We were a mess!

As time went on, I realized I HAD TO HAVE HELP!  It was no longer an option.  In order for me to be a good mom, I had to start taking care of myself.  I began delegating baby responsibility and eventually started feeling more comfortable about telling Steve what I needed him to do so that I could get some sleep.  It was so scary at first leaving him to watch and care for our son, but over time Steve got more comfortable around Hudson and now he is a great care giver.  At first I would literally cry myself to sleep while Steve tried to comfort our crying baby in the living room so I could take a nap.  It got easier over time, and now we are at the point where Hudson sleeps at night and both Steve and I get to sleep as well, but I digress  As a suggestion to all soon to be dads out there. READ THE BABY BOOKS!  They will give you insight on what the mother of your child is going through, what to do and what not to do, along with how to take care of your new baby!  I really feel that a lot of stress could have been avoided had Steve read them too.  That alone would not have solved all of our problems, but it would have helped...I think.  ALSO, READ or WATCH the happiest baby on the block.  It was a total game changer!  I only wish we would have done it sooner! 

Here we are 6 weeks later!  I think we are finally in the clear.  There will still be challenges, but it seems like the hardest part is behind us (knock on wood).  Hudson is sleeping for longer periods of time.  Most nights he will sleep for 4-5 hours at a time (amazing), but every once in a while he will wake up more often.  During the day, he is much happier too!  If he isn't snoozing, he is for the most part awake looking around and happy.  The biggest difference, I think, is that Steve and I are more confident in our parenting abilities.  We have met and now understand Hudson's personality and needs.  I think we make an excellent team...now.  We know what to expect from each other and understand our roll as parents.  I no longer miss or even remember my life before having a baby.  My resentment toward Steve is gone (Thank God).  Holding on to that helped no one!  Looking back, I now realize how important it is to get sleep and take care of yourself after having a baby.  Don't worry about being selfish for the first few weeks, your health (both mental and physical) is the most important thing, aside from your new bundle of joy.  You just had a baby for goodness sake!  It's ok to ask people to help you with EVERYTHING!   It is true, you should always try to sleep when the baby sleeps.  It is also important to remember that you and your husband are on the same team.  In the end, you will come out on the other side stronger as a couple. 

There is definitely a learning curve to raising children.  Books and DVDs can help, but nothing will truly prepare you for parenthood.  You must roll with the punches and adapt! Flexibility is key!  Every baby is different and it will take time to adjust to your new roll.  While it has been a roller coaster ride, I wouldn't change a thing!  Being a mom is the most rewarding and hardest thing I have ever done, and I am loving every second. 

I couldn't imagine my life with out this little man!

We tried out Hudson's BUMBO seat for the first time today.  He is still way to little for it and needs more neck strength.  11-21-11

Just look at this face!!!  I love this little guy so much!

This morning we got out his activity mat again.  He did much better with it today!  There is a music player that lights up and Hudson just loved that!

Last night while I was holding Hudson, our attention deprived cat Milo crawled on my lap and wanted to cuddle! haha  He got right under Hudson's little bottom and wrapped his paw around Hudson's leg.  ADORABLE

Pictures Pictures Pictures

The Holidays are fast approaching and time seems to be flying!  I want to capture every moment of our lives right now, but it is so hard!  Between family, friends, Thanksgiving, Christmas shopping, Hudson not feeling well, me being sick, decorating for Christmas....it's hard to stay on top of it!  Here are random snapshots of my sweet baby and what has been gong on in our world lately!

We got Hudson's under the sea floor play mat out.... he was less than thrilled.   It is really neat!  There is music, lights, dangling toys, and much more.  I hope in a few weeks we can try this again and get a better outcome!

This is just one of the many funny faces Hudson makes throughout the day!

Isn't he just adorable!

The Best of Mom and Dad

Me and my baby!

I could kiss and love on this boy all day, every day...o wait, I DO!

This was taken early this morning in bed!  Look at my little stinker stretch! He is so long (especially when he kicks his little legs out)!

Who knew my prince charming would be this little 1/2 way balled guy under 2 feet tall?!?!  Look at him just snoozing there!  He has been sleeping most of the day... I really hope I haven't given him whatever sickness I have!

This weekend, my friend from collage Christi came all the way from Memphis, TN to meet Hudson and hang out!  I am so glad she made the 6 hour trip because I had so much fun!  Our other friend Ann-Michelle also drove in to visit!  We played with Hudson for a few hours, then ventured out to the mall...It was pure madness!  I will not go near the mall again until after the Holidays!!  Anyway, Christi and I ended up going to see Twilight:  Breaking Dawn Part 1 Saturday night.  I have never been into the Twilight stuff (books or movies) but this past week I have been feeling under the weather and Twilight (the first movie) was on TV...  after watching it, I was hooked.  I even had Steve swing by BlockBuster on the way home from work one day to pick up the 2nd and 3rd movies AND I ordered all the books on-line.  They should be here soon and I CAN'T WAIT!  I'm such a dork, but I can't pass up a good fairy tail romance with some drama and suspense! 

This is Ann-Michelle holding Hudson!  It was so good to see her this weekend!  I haven't seen her in six weeks!

I have been working on getting all of our Christmas decorations up...  Usually I can put them up in a day, but this year it is taking much MUCH longer!  I still don't have all our ornaments on there yet!  I also don't have the fireplace decorated.  It will happen....I just hope it is done by the time Christmas gets here! HAHA

I can't believe Thanksgiving is this Thursday!  This will be Hudson's first Thanksgiving and first major holiday!  There is so much to be thankful for!  I have such a wonderful family, amazing friends, a supportive and helpful church family...  I thank God everyday for all that he has given us. 

My baby is 6 weeks old today!!!

How is it possible that I have a 6 week old baby? He is growing and changing so much every day! It seems like just yesterday that he was born. Maybe im getting all sentimental because I have a 6 week old baby, or maybe it's because I'm so happy for my sweet cousin who just had her little boy around midnight last night and it is bringing back memories.... Eather way, I am so happy! I have never been happier with my life than I am right now! I know this is exactly where I am supposed to be! I love taking care of Hudson! We are learning together every day! It it's the best job in the whole world!!! It is weird to think that if I were planning on going back to work right away, my maternity leave would be over as of today. I am so thankful to have more time with Hudson! I'm not ready to leave him, and it would break my heart to have to do so. I don't know how long I will get to stay home and take care of hudson, but I am going to cherish all the time I DO have with him!

Hudson, I love you so much (so does your daddy) and the past six weeks have been amazing. I love listening to all the noises you make when you sleep. I love how you smile when your daddy blows on your belly. I love how you have started reacting to me when I talk to you. I love how we read books together and even though you have no clue what I'm saying, you pay attention and listen intently. I love how even though I sound like fighting cats when I sing, you love it. I love how you frown and pout when you want someone (it's just so stinking cute). I love how in the morning you like to lay in our bed and kick and smile! I love how you stretch when you wake up after a long sleep. I love how you cuddle up to me after you are done eating and when you are tired! Hudson, I love you more than life itself and will do everything I can to be the best mommy in the world for you.

Starting to get the hang of this mom thing!

My little man snoozing!  We had a heatwave and our house was really warm... so Hudson had a naked (diaper) day!

Hudson is now in his fifth week of life and and we (I) am just now starting to "get it".  When he cries, he is either hungry, gassy, trying to poop, or needs his diaper changed.  If he is still fussy or just downright mad after feeding and changing him, then there is one way to calm him down...swaddling!  Who knew!?!?  Swaddling has been a life saver in our house!  He is sleeping day and night for anywhere between 2-5.5 hours at a time!  AMAZING!  It is true what they (everyone I talked to) say, if he gets his sleep during the day, he sleeps sooo much better at night!  This new revelation has done wonders for this moms sanity! After many very difficult weeks, I am really starting to get my confidence up about my ability to take care of my sweet little baby!

 Hudson "the hot dog" Farmer all wrapped up... Unfortunately, he wiggled out of this in minutes!  He can't get out of his new blankets though!

Hudson is still spitting up, but it is no longer a traumatic event even when it does come out his nose and mouth!  The Zantac really seems to be helping!  THANK GOD!!!!  It is such a relief that he is feeling better!

A friend from way back, who has a blog that I follow, mentioned that she watched the video "the happiest baby on the block" and that it really helped her baby (who is one day younger than Hudson).  We had the dvd, but just hadn't watched it yet... after reading the rave reviews we gave it a shot!  Anyway, Hudson had never really liked swaddling.  He would scream, cry, wiggle, and inevitably get out of it.   After weeks of no sleep we got new bigger light weight swaddling blankets and they are wonderful. They are so big that you can wrap and tuck and there is really no way our little Houdini can get out.  He still fights being swaddled at first, but will shortly give up and snooze!  I would recommend the DVD, blankets, and swaddling to any new parents out there! 

Now that Hudson is sleeping more (and is much happier) I am sleeping more and able to be productive during the day!  I'm also in a noticeably better mood!  Today, I vacuumed, went to the bank, and even made dinner!  It may not seem like much of an accomplishment, but for us, right now, it's HUGE!!!  O and I forgot to mention that we are slowly getting all our Christmas decorations and shopping together!  Only 40 days!!!

Yawn and stretch!

This past weekend Hudson got to meet his cousins Andrew and John (along with his Uncle Frank and Aunt Laura).  Hudson slept through most of the visit, but it was fun having them all together!  We don't get to see them all that often, but love it when they are here!  Speaking of family, my sweet cousin is going in to the hospital tonight to have her little boy, Landon!  We are so excited for him to get here!  I pray that he has a safe and speedy entrance into this world!  Hudson and Landon will be a little over 1 month apart!  I can't wait for Christmas when they will meet for the first time!  This is such an exciting time! 

11-15-11

Taken this morning!  What a happy little guy!

Today while I was feeding Hudson, he reached up and grabbed his bottle!  I thought it was adorable, so there is the picture capturing the precious moment!!!  swoon!

My baby is 1 month old!

I can't believe my little chunky monkey is already 1 month old!  Yesterday (November 7,2011) came and went so fast!  Time is just flying here at the Farmer House!  Hudson has changed so much it is unbelievable!  Physically he has grown over 2 inches in length and is now over 10lbs.  We thought he would loose all of his hair, but it has only gotten darker and thicker.  He is awake a lot more during the day and really seems to track and follow people and things so much more.  He has more control over his movements and doesn't look as spastic.  I would say he has gotten more predictable, but every time I think we have a routine down, everything changes!  haha He is usually sleeping for 2.5-3 hour chunks at night (but not always).  Hudson's reflux issues seem to be getting better too.  Hudson doesn't mind bath time, in fact he seems to like it!  He still loves to cuddle (I hope that never changes)!  Hudson is completely out of newborn clothes and is wearing 0-3 months comfortably.  He is also wearing size 1-2 diapers (size 1 fits well, we just had diaper cakes made of size 1-2 and didn't want to open a new box of diapers without using what was already open).  He smiles more and really looks at you when you are in front of him.

We are just so in love with our little man.   I am so thankful God chose us to be Hudson's parents.  While this past month has been difficult and challenging, I wouldn't change it for anything.  Every day is better than the one before.

Hudson had his first road trip to Indiana this past weekend.  He did great!  The trip is 3.5 hours and we sopped half way through to feed him.  We took our Honda Accord and it became crystal clear that in the future we will be needing a bigger vehicle.  It was a little cramped in there with Steve, me, Hudson (in his car seat), Aunt Jessica, and Sadie (our spoiled little dog), PLUS all our luggage and baby gear!  Ahhhhhh!!!  Sadie sat up in the front seat next to Steve, while Jessica, Hudson, and I sat in the back.  Things will definitely need to change...

Also this past weekend was my 26th birthday!  It is funny how having a baby that is only 1 month old is so consuming that you almost forget about everything else.  Except for the cake, it was just another day (and I'm ok with that).  Steve and I decided that we would not be giving gifts to one another for our birthday's, Christmas, or our anniversary this year because we redid our kitchen.  However, Steve surprised me and got me a gift card to a local spa.  He told me how thankful he was for me and how I have been taking care of our baby.  He said he knew how exhausted I was and that I needed/deserved some me time!  How thoughtful is that!?!?!  I am so excited to be able to go and relax for a few hours!  I made the appointment for this Sunday and can't wait!  This also gives Steve and Hudson some father/son time.  Steve is such a good husband and daddy.  I'm the luckiest woman on earth!

Hudson 1 month and 1 day old.  No, he can't hold his head up yet.  I just have it propped up.

Hudson doing his tummy time.  He usually does really well with it and is extremely strong.  This time though he decided to fall asleep!

This picture has no significance other than I think he is adorable.  Can you tell I'm in love with this little guy?!?!

Confessions of a new mommy

Before having Hudson I was completely naive to all the challenges that came along with raising and taking care of a baby!  I didn't give mom's the credit that they deserved.  It is a full time job that doesn't end at 6:00pm and is 100% emotionally draining.  With that said, I cherish every minute of it.  It just makes me laugh at how ignorant I was before becoming a mommy myself. 

When I was pregnant I read so many books on pregnancy, newborn care, and raising children.  I had a plan on how Hudson's first year would go.  He would be happy all the time except for when he was trying to tell me he was hungry and we would cuddle and laugh all day and sleep all night.  He would catch on to breastfeeding really fast and his poop would not stink at all!  I (knowing all about children...haha) would always keep a cool head and know exactly what my baby wanted/needed.  Steve and I would both want to do everything for our baby and we would share the responsibility 50/50.  My house would be clean, I would have time to cook (because Hudson would sleep at all the right times), and exercise every day!  Life would be perfect and I would be thin again a month later!

Then Hudson was born!  My plan was tossed out the window and I have gone into survival mode!  He is now just a day shy of one month old and life is nothing like I expected it would be!  We started out trying to keep to a schedule, but that quickly turned into a BIG problem.  Babies are not logical, they need what they need.  Hudson started getting restless at night and that meant there were about 72 hours (3 days) with zero sleep!  That was not part of the plan!  I am no longer even trying to exercise because whenever I get a chance, I am sleeping.  Sleep trumps just about every other responsibility or obligation I previously had (except for my sweet baby boy).  I am learning that unless I plan on going somewhere PJ's are all I am going to wear because it is just not worth a) doing all that extra laundry b) I'm going to get spit up on and/or peed on so what's the point?!?  Also, babies are not quiet!  They make noises all the time!  Some of them I have decoded, but others still stump me!  There are so many other things that I just didn't anticipate.  I am sure God is up there just laughing at "my plans".

Here are some of the biggest things that have changed:

• Doing what I want, when I want - being a servant to my 3 almost 4 week old baby
• Having time to spend with Steve - A kiss in the morning and a kiss at night if it's a good day
• Knowing that I will be able to sleep 8 hours every night - knowing I won't get to sleep at night and just trying to accumulate at least 4 hours of sleep throughout the day so I can get by.
• Getting to eat out - limiting my restaurants to only places that have a drive through or deliver
• Watching a few TV shows I like when they come on - DVRing EVERYTHING and maybe getting to watch them a week or so later.
• Cleaning and cooking daily - we are lucky if it happens every other week and recycling clothing until they no longer pass the smell test or I get puked on.
• Being a little uptight -  being humbled and having the topic of most of my conversations revolve around one of three things:  baby poop, baby vomit, and/or how cute the baby is.
• Willing to wear cute cloths even when they are uncomfortable - wearing only comfortable and practical  clothing even if it looks horrible
• long showers, shaving my legs, doing my hair and makeup... - I have mastered the 2 minute shower, only shampoo, leave in conditioner, air dried hair, no makeup
• You realize that your heart is so full of love for another person that sometimes it feels like it will literally burst.
• Going out with friends, drinking wine, and dancing was a great night - wearing fuzzy socks, flannel PJ's, curling up with your husband and baby on the couch, watching a funny movie, and going to bed early is the best date night imaginable
• You appreciate your own mother (and father) more now that you have walked in their shoes.  
• Your family becomes even more important (if that is even possible).
• Packing for a weekend trip in 15 minutes or less - Packing for a weekend trip and not being able to fit everything for the baby in the car, let alone any of your things....God forbid you forget something that the baby will NEED over the next two days!
• Being close to family and chatting regularly - talking to family multiple times a day and sending pictures via text message and e-mail  every hour.
• Sharing chores and everyday responsibilities with Steve fairly evenly - me taking care of the baby, Steve working, no house work getting done. 

It is so funny to look back and realize how my priorities have changed.  This past month has been nothing short of a challenge.  In the beginning I found myself resisting all the new changes... slowly over time I have learned to let go of the life I had before.  That has been the biggest obstacle.  Now that I have realized that life really does change when you have children and accepted it, the easier and happier we all are.  I am adapting to my new role as a mommy to the most perfect baby.  I am adapting to being a wife and a mom.  I am adapting to sleepless nights and a noisy house.

I love Hudson more than life itself.  I would do anything for him and to protect him.  Lately, he has been suffering from reflux.  Today we had an appointment with a specialist to do a swallow test.  I was supposed to withhold food from him for about 6 hours before his test.  About an hour before the test started, Hudson began crying and screaming for food.  I broke down and started bawling.  His sadness physically hurt me.  I almost got up and left the doctors appointment right then and there to take care of him.  Thankfully I stayed because we were able to find out that part of  the reason he is spitting up and uncomfortable so often was/is because his stomach is not emptying into his intestines fast enough.  So, after a period of time what is in there gets regurgitated back up.  The kind doctor informed us that there is a medicine out there that will allow food to empty out of his tummy faster, so that is good news.  We are just waiting to hear back from Hudson's pediatrician to see if that is an option for Hudson.  Medically he is healthy, but the reflux is causing him discomfort and pain.  He is gaining weight so that is always good.  My little guy now weighs 9lbs 15.5oz! 

It is so hard to believe that Hudson is almost a month old.  It is so weird because sometimes it seems like he has been with us always and other times I feel like the doctor put him in my arms for the first time just yesterday!  Looking at pictures from his birthday, it blows my mind how much he has changed physically!  His face looks completely different today than it did just four short weeks ago!  He still looks a lot like his daddy, but every day he resembles me a little more.  He snores when he sleeps sometimes, he makes the cutest faces when he stretches, I love how he holds my finger and smiles.  Even though  its a tough job being a mom, it is so worth it.  I am 100% totally and completely in love and obsessed with HUDSON.  He has me wrapped around his little finger and I wouldn't have it any other way!

Hudson 1 month ago!

Hudson yesterday 11-2-11...look how he has changed!

In the past month my life has changed for the better.  I have grown as a person and realized some of my own selfish ways.  I have learned to be more flexible.  I thank God every day for my family and all that he is doing in our lives.

Sorry, this was completely random, but I have had a lot on my mind the past few days.  :)

My Little Pumpkin

My little pumpkin baby!  Happy Halloween!

We had more trick-or-treaters this year than any other year!  We had a grand total of 12 people!  haha  Last year we only had 1, so this was a big improvement! I only bought one small bag of M&Ms and we ended up having just enough!  I was a little nervous cutting it so close!  All the cute little neighbor girls came by and wanted to see Hudson!  Their parents even came up to the door because the little girls wanted to show off our baby!  It was really sweet!

In my book, Halloween is the official start to the holiday season!  According to my calculations there are 54 days until Christmas, and I couldn't be more excited!  I have started seeing commercials for Holiday Shops and what not!  It is awesome!  Now all I need is for my Christmas radio station to start playing Christmas music all the time!

Yesterday was off to a great start, but unfortunately took a turn for the worse.  Stupid mommy gave Hudson his vitamin D drops with out mixing it with milk first...  In my defense, no one ever told me to do that.  Anyway, about 5 minutes after giving him the drops, Hudson projectile vomited out of his nose and mouth EVERYWHERE!  Then, he started choking and gargling on phlegm that was caught in his throat.  I was suctioning, burping, patting his back...doing everything I could think of to help him breath!  Finally I called his pediatrician and was told to use saline drops to help break up the blockage then try to give him a little something to drink in hopes that he would swallow.  After attempting this for what seemed like forever to this panicked mama the screaming and tears stopped.  I felt so bad for my sweet little baby!  I will never make the mistake of giving him medication without mixing it with milk again!

He ended up spitting up a few more times and then was hungry and grumpy the rest of the evening... So, Hudson and I stayed up the whole night together.  He started calming down around 3, but was still very fussy so we didn't actually go to bed until about 6:00am this morning!  Today wasn't much better....  I feel so bad for Hudson.  I called the doctor today and all he wants us to do is up the amount of Zantac....If things aren't better by Thursday then we will have to go in.  My poor little baby!  This is just breaking my heart seeing him so upset!  This too shall pass...

Look how sleepy he is!

Isn't this just the most pitiful face ever?!?!